I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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