i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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