If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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