That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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