Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So here I am, sexting at work.
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