I love black thongs
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
