Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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