Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
