everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
50% drunk capacity currently
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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