I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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