I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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