Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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