We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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