from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she smelled like a LAN party
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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