I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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