Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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