Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
