The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize