A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
