In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
