fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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