just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just had sex on a roof
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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