FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
