I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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