I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
