I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
