im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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