Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
