anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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