i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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