We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
