I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
