y did u give ur computer a hand job?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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