just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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