gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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