My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize