youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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