So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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