The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
