You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize