I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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