I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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