That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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