I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How does one acquire holy water?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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