what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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