oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
