I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
