i need an iv and a liver transplant
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
