I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
