i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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