If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you had me at cake vodka
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
