i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
