i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
