We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
