Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You dont lie about slip and slides
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
