did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
