I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
