I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
