So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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