Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
