Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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