bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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