is your mom at the bar?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
