I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We left the knife in your bed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
