why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
